January 20, 2017

staying afloat days

I'm trying not to feel down these days. trying to keep my head up and focus on good things. things like sunlight shattering the thick cloud cover after a storm. sharing a large pot of ramen with a side of scotch egg with dear friends. ice cream crepes with old roommates and new roommates.

today was okay. yesterday was pretty good. the day before that was okay. because I have strings of days like these, I'm still staying afloat.

sunday was bad. I woke up monday morning feeling like a mess—hair glued to my face and salt tracks everywhere from crying to sleep the night before. in the past 4 months, I've taken more mental health days off from work than I care to admit. ten years ago, in high school, I thought that was the worst I'd ever feel in my life. four years ago, when I finally found happiness, I thought depression was something I'd outgrown, or learned to control. as it turns out, life doesn't work like that. my brain doesn't work like that. mental illness is mental illness, and it stays with you forever, in some capacity.

a month ago, I barely had any okay days at all. the new meds I've been on since the new year have helped. I still don't feel like myself—or rather, I should say, like my best self. I'm pretty sure that at least part of it is environmentally rooted. I'm trying to change that. can't say too much right now. I'll let you know when I've figured it out.

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